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[weiyingdown]

Sanren 散人
20s / M

白日依山尽，黄河入海流。欲穷千里目，更上一层楼。☀

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Comments

[weiyingdown]

Then what was your plan, exactly? To settle me and the Wens in a nice little empty spot on the mountainside? How long do you think you could have kept the Jins away, or your own family?

[it's not what he wants to ask or say. the futility of it still feels like a stab through the stomach, even now: a slow and painful realization that no matter what path they took, it couldn't have ended well. it would have always ended like this. at least the way it went meant Lan Wangji didn't get dragged into it.

his breathing evens out, steady even as he digs his nails into his palms so hard they draw blood]

...It was better than you didn't. There was nothing you could do.

[one_note]

[nearly ragged]

I thought you spoke of a different time. Before you went to the Burial Mounds.

Once that had passed, you and I knew. "Nobody can give me a nice, broad road to walk on. A road where I could protect those I want to protect." You told me yourself.

I regret that I did not stay, then.

[weiyingdown]

Even if you had convinced me before that, as soon as I learned about the Wens I would have gone to them. It would have ended up the same way.

I'm glad you didn't stay. It would have meant getting caught up in our troubles. You don't deserve that.

[one_note]

I do not care what I deserve.

I should have stayed.

[weiyingdown]

Don't say that. I care about what you deserve. You've already done too much for us. You--you deserve to be happy.

[one_note]

[this is breathlessly hurtful at this point; he feels it in his gut like an open wound, tearing ever wider. Wei Wuxian has always been good at this, when he chooses to be: at turning his own good intentions into blows, at discounting that others might have been able to help him at all, regardless of their own.]

No joy in safety.

Nor in hearing of your deaths.

[weiyingdown]

[hunches over himself, eyes on his hands clenched in his lap. the fuzzy memory of a bad dream floats through his consciousness, of Lan Wangji wandering alone through the Burial Mounds while bleeding out. the thought of it being real sends his pulse racing in alarm.]

...It...already happened a long time ago, Er-gege. If you had died back then, I wouldn't get to be here with you now.

[one_note]

Then, now.

As you are more informed.

What do you want of me?

[weiyingdown]

[looks up at him, terribly lost at the question]

What do I want? You should do whatever you want to do.

[one_note]

I only wish to stay.

[he says it so softly. but this late at night, there's no other noise to swallow it up, is there?]

[weiyingdown]

I want you to stay.

[it feels like a secret, so it comes out a whisper that is just as loud in the silence]

[one_note]

[finally turns to look back at him.]

[weiyingdown]

[he forgets to be self conscious under the weight of his attention and lets his body lean closer]

If that's okay.

[one_note]

Please.

[weiyingdown]

[unclenches one of his hands from his robes and reaches for Lan Wangji's fist with deliberate care, giving him time to pull away if he chooses]

[one_note]

[unfolds that hand as well, and bridges the gap, fingers light and careful on his]

[weiyingdown]

[holds his hand as if he's made of starlight, liable to break and slip through his fingers at any moment]

Can I kiss you?

[one_note]

[his eyes widen, half-disbelieving]

Yes.

[weiyingdown]

[leans in, still infinitely gentle, to press a kiss to his lips. it's chaste, without a push for anything more, his whole body strung tight from holding himself still. even then it's warm and full of longing]

[one_note]

[he doesn't try to press it either -- everything still feels fragile, uncertain -- but he kisses like Wei Wuxian is something precious; leans quietly into him, their fingers interlacing. points of warmth.]

[weiyingdown]

[squeezes his hand tight, when he's sure the touch is welcome, and dares to add a slip of tongue. just enough to reinforce that he wants this kis]

[one_note]

[deepens it a little in response to that, still careful...

but settles an arm around him, too. you're welcome here.]

[weiyingdown]

[he is quite content to stay where they are, hands clasped, offering him moonlit kisses until they run out of breath for them]

[one_note]

[nothing else breaks. they haven't really resolved much tonight, but no one suddenly walks away or makes a terrible emotional decision again. they can stay.

looks down at him as they catch their breath, still-quiet, expression as soft as it's ever been]

[weiyingdown]

[presses himself closer--still carefully, carefully chaste despite half crawling onto his lap. his hands are controlled, not wandering, and he only has eyes for Lan Wangji's face]