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[weiyingdown]

Sanren 散人
20s / M

白日依山尽，黄河入海流。欲穷千里目，更上一层楼。☀

Let's be friends ♥

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Comments

[one_note]

This is not new.

[please Wei Ying we have fucked very enthusiastically in your relatively immediate memory]

[weiyingdown]

It's not new here.

[in a tone that says here and home are Different, Obviously]

[one_note]

It has not been new for a long time.

[weiyingdown]

[he's turned fully to face him without realizing it, leaning forward, hands bunched in his robes]

How long is a long time?

[one_note]

...

[weiyingdown]

[there's an empty space where his name should be, the Lan Zhan that passes soundlessly from his lips]

Hanguang-Jun. Er-gege. I don't understand what you're saying.

[one_note]

[this is dangerous. this is dangerous. he should not have opened this route of conversation.]

Recall Phoenix Mountain.

[repeating this particular transgression to both of them causes no more damage, he supposes, than it already has. he cannot make himself say, I have loved you, or something like it, since you climbed a wall in front of we when we were fifteen; I have known I have loved you since we fought a Divine Beast when we were seventeen; I have never stopped.]

[weiyingdown]

[this is tragic and unfortunate because the only thing he can recall about Phoenix Mountain is that Lan Wangji seemed irritable then]

Which part about it? I don't know what this has to do with my question.

[he does attempt to think back, but he's also busy trying to work out Lan Wangji's words]

Has it...been since then?

[one_note]

You were blindfolded. Someone kissed you by force.

[weiyingdown]

The very shy lad--










[hmm what]

[one_note]

[he does not say anything

if Wei Wuxian misconstrues this he is just going to possibly pitch himself off the side of the island and let the magic winds blow him around for a while]

[weiyingdown]

It was since then?! Why?! But I--but you--

[he has to attempt to re-contextualize every interaction they've had since that kiss on Phoenix Mountain and that is very difficult when he previously assumed Lan Wangji wanted to lock him up or kill him.]

[one_note]

[NO HE CAN'T NOT CORRECT THAT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK]

Before then.

[weiyingdown]

BEFORE?

[there is clear distress in his voice; a sort of panic clawing at him when faced with this admission, placed up next to their many years of arguing and fighting]

But you hated me! We were always fighting!

[one_note]

I have never hated you.

[weiyingdown]

You kept trying to lock me up!

[one_note]

[closes his eyes]

No.

[weiyingdown]

You did! You kept trying to bring me back to Gusu with you.

[one_note]

Not to denounce you. Nor jail you.

[weiyingdown]

Then why?

[the truth of it feels already known; but he's anxious, so anxious that what he's thinking might be wrong]

[one_note]

Demonic cultivation damages the mind and heart.

I wished to...

[weiyingdown]

[shakes his head]

No. No matter what you thought your intentions were, you know it would have turned into an excuse to keep me locked up there.

[one_note]

[his breath strangles on Wei Wuxian's name; he just tried to say it so vehemently he feels like he's choking, for a moment. his hands have curled fully into fists.]

No.

[weiyingdown]

Then what was your plan, exactly? To settle me and the Wens in a nice little empty spot on the mountainside? How long do you think you could have kept the Jins away, or your own family?

[it's not what he wants to ask or say. the futility of it still feels like a stab through the stomach, even now: a slow and painful realization that no matter what path they took, it couldn't have ended well. it would have always ended like this. at least the way it went meant Lan Wangji didn't get dragged into it.

his breathing evens out, steady even as he digs his nails into his palms so hard they draw blood]

...It was better than you didn't. There was nothing you could do.

[one_note]

[nearly ragged]

I thought you spoke of a different time. Before you went to the Burial Mounds.

Once that had passed, you and I knew. "Nobody can give me a nice, broad road to walk on. A road where I could protect those I want to protect." You told me yourself.

I regret that I did not stay, then.