[it does not! it gives him too much time with his thoughts, too much time to think over all of the things that he's already said that went over badly when he was upset or trying to apologize. his voice is quiet, barely a whisper over the wind]
I don't know how to talk about it since I never thought I would have to. And I know you were being considerate by not mentioning it before, when you still had all of your memories. But you reacted so badly when you took your memory, and it...was frustrating to know it was all out of my control. There's nothing I can do for either of us. But if it's my fault you're upset then I want to be able to make it up to you.
[quietly, painfully dragged out -- and he is only even managing to say this because of his discussion with Suibian, and because of a certainty he still remembers even though its foundations are currently gone -- ]
You do not know what I reacted to. What was in your control.
You are eager to take a burden you have rejected the details of.
What you say in anger is still said.
What you say in different circumstances, is still said.
[closes his eyes and breathes for a little bit, before he can; when he speaks again the edge has faded from his voice, leaving it once again cool and remote]
When my memories were taken. They ended in the ancestral hall of Lotus Pier. We bowed to your family.
This memory. Jiang Wanyin discovered us. He reacted in anger. You were under much strain, and fainted in your own. Wen Qionglin chose to intervene.
[he doesn't have much context for the situation. he knows that something happened in Yi City; that his identity was revealed at Koi Tower and he was stabbed; that they returned to Gusu at some point. so it makes him vibrate with some unknown emotion that there was a series of events that led them to Lotus Pier, where they bowed in the ancestral hall.]
That sounds like Jiang Cheng. But I can't imagine Wen Ning was allowed inside of Lotus Pier. He really snuck in?
[he doesn't look happy, or even the steady baseline of his normal neutral blankness...if you know how to read his face very well. it's in the faint drawn tightness around his eyes and the tired tilt of his head.]
At the inn, we took a meal. I agreed to drink with you once more.
[he's not exhausted, but he is tired after the last few days; so it can't be helped that his mind is especially sluggish as it tries to piece together what Lan Wangji's expression and words mean]
"I'll do it on my own. You don't have to touch me."
"Both of us probably drank too much tonight. My apologies. You don't have to feel too apologetic either. It's normal for men to be like this sometimes. Please don't take it too seriously."
[...and much softer, like it's physically hard for him to say it, even to a degree past how hard it is for him to speak at length]
[he trusts Lan Wangji's memory more than his own, so he doesn't doubt that the words are exact. he considers the situation, why he would say those exact words, and feels his stomach churn]
"Both of us probably drank too much" and were both upset. My tolerance is better than yours, so I should have been more mindful. If you really think that's not what happened then I'll believe you. But I don't know what else to think.
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Keep your feelings as they are then. Just...
[he has to pause, wholly unsure of what he wants to say even if he knew how to say it]
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I don't know how to talk about it since I never thought I would have to. And I know you were being considerate by not mentioning it before, when you still had all of your memories. But you reacted so badly when you took your memory, and it...was frustrating to know it was all out of my control. There's nothing I can do for either of us. But if it's my fault you're upset then I want to be able to make it up to you.
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You do not know what I reacted to. What was in your control.
You are eager to take a burden you have rejected the details of.
What you say in anger is still said.
What you say in different circumstances, is still said.
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When my memories were taken. They ended in the ancestral hall of Lotus Pier. We bowed to your family.
This memory. Jiang Wanyin discovered us. He reacted in anger. You were under much strain, and fainted in your own. Wen Qionglin chose to intervene.
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That sounds like Jiang Cheng. But I can't imagine Wen Ning was allowed inside of Lotus Pier. He really snuck in?
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He was angered by Jiang Wanyin's treatment of you. The truth of your core came out. Jiang Wanyin allowed us to leave.
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[he sounds more tired than angry]
That wasn't all, was it?
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[a pause, weighing his words]
From there, we went to Yunping by boat.
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Gege made it sound like you were upset by what happened in Yunping.
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I do not remember much of Yunping.
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You don't remember, but it upset you?
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At the inn, we took a meal. I agreed to drink with you once more.
We woke abed together. You were upset.
[a faint hesitation -- then, scrupulous]
So was I.
/2
But I usually sleep in your--
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I--what did we--are you okay?
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But I do not know what I did.
You said, "do not take it too seriously." And did not wish to be touched.
Your counterpart said...to wait until I remembered resolution. I do not know if you feel the same.
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[takes a few deep breaths to calm his heart. that was almost as much of a shock as the golden core but in a completely different way]
I said...not to take it seriously. Did I say anything else?
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"Both of us probably drank too much tonight. My apologies. You don't have to feel too apologetic either. It's normal for men to be like this sometimes. Please don't take it too seriously."
[...and much softer, like it's physically hard for him to say it, even to a degree past how hard it is for him to speak at length]
You also thanked me and apologized.
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I took advantage.
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[exhales]
And from what I said, that's what it sounds like to me.
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You could not take advantage of me.
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Are you able to make me do what I do not wish to do?
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