Don't you know? I'm the kind of person who causes trouble for others, but never myself.
[shifts so that he's facing Lan Wangji more]
Listen, Hanguang-Jun...I don't want you feeling bad about something that was out of your control. I'll say it as many times as I need to until you believe me. I'm the one who shouldn't have been acting like that towards you.
You're too hard on yourself. It already happened, and a while ago at that. Even if I only just found out, it's completely out of my hands and yours. What's the use in getting upset over something that happened in the past?
[it does not! it gives him too much time with his thoughts, too much time to think over all of the things that he's already said that went over badly when he was upset or trying to apologize. his voice is quiet, barely a whisper over the wind]
I don't know how to talk about it since I never thought I would have to. And I know you were being considerate by not mentioning it before, when you still had all of your memories. But you reacted so badly when you took your memory, and it...was frustrating to know it was all out of my control. There's nothing I can do for either of us. But if it's my fault you're upset then I want to be able to make it up to you.
[quietly, painfully dragged out -- and he is only even managing to say this because of his discussion with Suibian, and because of a certainty he still remembers even though its foundations are currently gone -- ]
You do not know what I reacted to. What was in your control.
You are eager to take a burden you have rejected the details of.
What you say in anger is still said.
What you say in different circumstances, is still said.
[closes his eyes and breathes for a little bit, before he can; when he speaks again the edge has faded from his voice, leaving it once again cool and remote]
When my memories were taken. They ended in the ancestral hall of Lotus Pier. We bowed to your family.
This memory. Jiang Wanyin discovered us. He reacted in anger. You were under much strain, and fainted in your own. Wen Qionglin chose to intervene.
[he doesn't have much context for the situation. he knows that something happened in Yi City; that his identity was revealed at Koi Tower and he was stabbed; that they returned to Gusu at some point. so it makes him vibrate with some unknown emotion that there was a series of events that led them to Lotus Pier, where they bowed in the ancestral hall.]
That sounds like Jiang Cheng. But I can't imagine Wen Ning was allowed inside of Lotus Pier. He really snuck in?
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he stops playing when he's a few feet behind him, staring at his back]
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...You're not asleep, so perhaps I played the wrong song.
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I cannot sleep. Do not trouble yourself.
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[shifts so that he's facing Lan Wangji more]
Listen, Hanguang-Jun...I don't want you feeling bad about something that was out of your control. I'll say it as many times as I need to until you believe me. I'm the one who shouldn't have been acting like that towards you.
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I will not accept those words from you.
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It is natural be distressed, by such remembrance. And to react.
I will not shirk responsibility for my actions.
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Then I will not speak of it.
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[stops himself, twisting his flute in his hands]
You're so stubborn. Just what am I supposed to say in order to get through to you?
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Consider your other requests, at this time.
[to shirk responsibility. to disregard his own feelings and concerns.]
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[probably]
I want to ease your worries a bit, somehow.
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[there's a bite to his words for the first time: not anger, though it sounds like it, but hurt]
My feelings are my own.
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Keep your feelings as they are then. Just...
[he has to pause, wholly unsure of what he wants to say even if he knew how to say it]
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I don't know how to talk about it since I never thought I would have to. And I know you were being considerate by not mentioning it before, when you still had all of your memories. But you reacted so badly when you took your memory, and it...was frustrating to know it was all out of my control. There's nothing I can do for either of us. But if it's my fault you're upset then I want to be able to make it up to you.
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You do not know what I reacted to. What was in your control.
You are eager to take a burden you have rejected the details of.
What you say in anger is still said.
What you say in different circumstances, is still said.
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When my memories were taken. They ended in the ancestral hall of Lotus Pier. We bowed to your family.
This memory. Jiang Wanyin discovered us. He reacted in anger. You were under much strain, and fainted in your own. Wen Qionglin chose to intervene.
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That sounds like Jiang Cheng. But I can't imagine Wen Ning was allowed inside of Lotus Pier. He really snuck in?
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He was angered by Jiang Wanyin's treatment of you. The truth of your core came out. Jiang Wanyin allowed us to leave.
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[he sounds more tired than angry]
That wasn't all, was it?
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