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[weiyingdown]

Sanren 散人
20s / M

白日依山尽，黄河入海流。欲穷千里目，更上一层楼。☀

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Comments

[one_note]

[calm as frost]

I will not accept those words from you.

[weiyingdown]

Why won't you? They're the truth.

[one_note]

You cause yourself trouble often. You suffer hardship, to protect others.

It is natural be distressed, by such remembrance. And to react.

I will not shirk responsibility for my actions.

[weiyingdown]

You're too hard on yourself. It already happened, and a while ago at that. Even if I only just found out, it's completely out of my hands and yours. What's the use in getting upset over something that happened in the past?

[one_note]

[what's the use, indeed.]

Then I will not speak of it.

[weiyingdown]

That's not what I--

[stops himself, twisting his flute in his hands]

You're so stubborn. Just what am I supposed to say in order to get through to you?

[one_note]

It is what you requested, that I can abide by.

[weiyingdown]

Are you going to hold me to something I said when I was upset as a convenient excuse to get your way?

[one_note]

[his fingers curl into his robes.]

Consider your other requests, at this time.

[to shirk responsibility. to disregard his own feelings and concerns.]

[weiyingdown]

What about them? I wouldn't have asked if I thought they were unreasonable.

[probably]

I want to ease your worries a bit, somehow.

[one_note]

You ease nothing, asking this.

[there's a bite to his words for the first time: not anger, though it sounds like it, but hurt]

My feelings are my own.

[weiyingdown]

[turns his head away from him]

Keep your feelings as they are then. Just...

[he has to pause, wholly unsure of what he wants to say even if he knew how to say it]

[one_note]

[Lan Wangji gives him the space to finish that sentence instead of speaking, which likely doesn't make it easier.]

[weiyingdown]

[it does not! it gives him too much time with his thoughts, too much time to think over all of the things that he's already said that went over badly when he was upset or trying to apologize. his voice is quiet, barely a whisper over the wind]

I don't know how to talk about it since I never thought I would have to. And I know you were being considerate by not mentioning it before, when you still had all of your memories. But you reacted so badly when you took your memory, and it...was frustrating to know it was all out of my control. There's nothing I can do for either of us. But if it's my fault you're upset then I want to be able to make it up to you.

[one_note]

[quietly, painfully dragged out -- and he is only even managing to say this because of his discussion with Suibian, and because of a certainty he still remembers even though its foundations are currently gone -- ]

You do not know what I reacted to. What was in your control.

You are eager to take a burden you have rejected the details of.

What you say in anger is still said.

What you say in different circumstances, is still said.

[weiyingdown]

Then tell me the details so I can understand.

[one_note]

[closes his eyes and breathes for a little bit, before he can; when he speaks again the edge has faded from his voice, leaving it once again cool and remote]

When my memories were taken. They ended in the ancestral hall of Lotus Pier. We bowed to your family.

This memory. Jiang Wanyin discovered us. He reacted in anger. You were under much strain, and fainted in your own. Wen Qionglin chose to intervene.

[weiyingdown]

[he doesn't have much context for the situation. he knows that something happened in Yi City; that his identity was revealed at Koi Tower and he was stabbed; that they returned to Gusu at some point. so it makes him vibrate with some unknown emotion that there was a series of events that led them to Lotus Pier, where they bowed in the ancestral hall.]

That sounds like Jiang Cheng. But I can't imagine Wen Ning was allowed inside of Lotus Pier. He really snuck in?

[one_note]

He had...assisted previously. It was complex.

He was angered by Jiang Wanyin's treatment of you. The truth of your core came out. Jiang Wanyin allowed us to leave.

[weiyingdown]

Wen Ning...I told him so many times not to say it.

[he sounds more tired than angry]

That wasn't all, was it?

[one_note]

He requested I not tell you, when you woke. But he spared you further injury.

[a pause, weighing his words]

From there, we went to Yunping by boat.

[weiyingdown]

[hesitates]

Gege made it sound like you were upset by what happened in Yunping.

[one_note]

Mm.

I do not remember much of Yunping.

[weiyingdown]

[that does make him peek at his face]

You don't remember, but it upset you?

[one_note]

[he doesn't look happy, or even the steady baseline of his normal neutral blankness...if you know how to read his face very well. it's in the faint drawn tightness around his eyes and the tired tilt of his head.]

At the inn, we took a meal. I agreed to drink with you once more.

We woke abed together. You were upset.

[a faint hesitation -- then, scrupulous]

So was I.