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[weiyingdown]

Sanren 散人
20s / M

白日依山尽，黄河入海流。欲穷千里目，更上一层楼。☀

Let's be friends ♥

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Comments

[one_note]

I cannot.

[weiyingdown]

Shall I play you a lullaby to help you sleep?

[somewhere far off, he can hear the sound of a flute being played]

[one_note]

[he does not go to meet it, for once.

he has been tired since they day they arrived here, it feels like.]

It is appreciated.

[weiyingdown]

[he doesn't expect him to go and meet it, and so he stops texting and keeps playing as he makes his way around the garden to roughly the spot Lan Wangji indicated]

[one_note]

[he's not hard to spot. he's kneeling on the very edge, much as he did earlier that day when he walked off on autopilot from their conversation; legs tucked under him, hands spread flat on his knees. his qin is with him, but off to the side; he is not playing now.

he's looking out at the open sky, where the two moons are currently visible and the bright hue of the cotton-candy clouds is dimmed by night to something almost normal.]

[weiyingdown]

[it's so much harder to form words when he has to look at his face, why did he think this was a good idea.

he stops playing when he's a few feet behind him, staring at his back]

[one_note]

[turns quietly to look at him, strange eyes pale and faintly glowing in the dark]

[weiyingdown]

[swallows hard and moves to sit next to him with his flute clutched in his lap]

...You're not asleep, so perhaps I played the wrong song.

[one_note]

[shifts his gaze back to the moons]

I cannot sleep. Do not trouble yourself.

[weiyingdown]

Don't you know? I'm the kind of person who causes trouble for others, but never myself.

[shifts so that he's facing Lan Wangji more]

Listen, Hanguang-Jun...I don't want you feeling bad about something that was out of your control. I'll say it as many times as I need to until you believe me. I'm the one who shouldn't have been acting like that towards you.

[one_note]

[calm as frost]

I will not accept those words from you.

[weiyingdown]

Why won't you? They're the truth.

[one_note]

You cause yourself trouble often. You suffer hardship, to protect others.

It is natural be distressed, by such remembrance. And to react.

I will not shirk responsibility for my actions.

[weiyingdown]

You're too hard on yourself. It already happened, and a while ago at that. Even if I only just found out, it's completely out of my hands and yours. What's the use in getting upset over something that happened in the past?

[one_note]

[what's the use, indeed.]

Then I will not speak of it.

[weiyingdown]

That's not what I--

[stops himself, twisting his flute in his hands]

You're so stubborn. Just what am I supposed to say in order to get through to you?

[one_note]

It is what you requested, that I can abide by.

[weiyingdown]

Are you going to hold me to something I said when I was upset as a convenient excuse to get your way?

[one_note]

[his fingers curl into his robes.]

Consider your other requests, at this time.

[to shirk responsibility. to disregard his own feelings and concerns.]

[weiyingdown]

What about them? I wouldn't have asked if I thought they were unreasonable.

[probably]

I want to ease your worries a bit, somehow.

[one_note]

You ease nothing, asking this.

[there's a bite to his words for the first time: not anger, though it sounds like it, but hurt]

My feelings are my own.

[weiyingdown]

[turns his head away from him]

Keep your feelings as they are then. Just...

[he has to pause, wholly unsure of what he wants to say even if he knew how to say it]

[one_note]

[Lan Wangji gives him the space to finish that sentence instead of speaking, which likely doesn't make it easier.]

[weiyingdown]

[it does not! it gives him too much time with his thoughts, too much time to think over all of the things that he's already said that went over badly when he was upset or trying to apologize. his voice is quiet, barely a whisper over the wind]

I don't know how to talk about it since I never thought I would have to. And I know you were being considerate by not mentioning it before, when you still had all of your memories. But you reacted so badly when you took your memory, and it...was frustrating to know it was all out of my control. There's nothing I can do for either of us. But if it's my fault you're upset then I want to be able to make it up to you.

[one_note]

[quietly, painfully dragged out -- and he is only even managing to say this because of his discussion with Suibian, and because of a certainty he still remembers even though its foundations are currently gone -- ]

You do not know what I reacted to. What was in your control.

You are eager to take a burden you have rejected the details of.

What you say in anger is still said.

What you say in different circumstances, is still said.